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How To Be A Goatherd
Your 2020 Step-by-Step Guide
Step 1: Find An Actual Goatherd
Retreat for the summer to your family’s weekend cottage in Minnesota for what you adorably believe will be the last few months of a pandemic. Optimistically anticipate it will be over by July 4th. Settle in with a collection of family members who all had the same idea, an obscene number of dogs, and way too many WIFI-enabled devices for the “cozy” little river cottage to handle. Wait until you have one moment away from Zoom calls to notice that, while fighting the good fight, the family homestead is in dire need of some love.
In particular, note the ridiculous jungle surrounding it that threatens to inflict poison ivy upon unwitting children and forces you to machete your way to and from the front door. Realize that 8/10th of the property is completely unusable because of suffocating foliage and thick vines. Imagine using that space to get away from everyone sheltering from the world alongside you. Consider burning it all down and starting over.
Go jogging to suppress urge to light fires. While running down the quiet country road lined with similar river cottages, all possessing much tidier curb appeal than yours, notice the contractor sign at the side of the road.