We’re All Despicable People

Let’s be honest. We all feel entitled to be horrible sometimes.

We all think, on occasion, that we’re the person to whom rules do not apply. The chosen one who has enough good karma to excuse a little bad behavior. Sometimes, in these situations, the only objectively good people are those paid to remind us we’re not. And we hate those guys. I know some of these brave souls. They work for my local college Parking and Transportation Services Department.

When visiting a college campus, it surprises people to learn that you may not simply pull into the first spot you see, turn off your engine and blithely go about your business like a sociopath. That prime parking location directly in front of the exact building you’re rushing to enter in the next 3–5 minutes isn’t for you. It isn’t for me either, but it definitely isn’t for you, Uber Eats delivery guy. Or you, undergraduate sporting vanity plates from five states away. And it 100% isn’t for you, visiting parent who just wants to unload your kid’s freshly folded laundry that wasn’t going to wash itself. Nope — Not for you. Not for all the on-time full-price tuition payments in the world.

It isn’t for anyone except the mysterious members of the academic community willing to pay half their salary for the permit that entitles them park a car on campus. Frankly, after 20 years of living near or on a…